Gross

I'm sitting here tonight feeling incredibly pathetic. I just feel sluggish and .. just gross. My last round of motivation lasted less than a week, and though I wasn't THAT bad on vacation, since coming home last Tuesday, I've been even less stellar. Blame it on my birthday that included celebrations spread out over 3 days. Blame it on just about anything but there's no excuse that will take away the weight I've put back on. I don't know exact numbers yet as I've been too scared to face the scale. I'm saving that task for tomorrow morning.

I miss seeing losses every week.

I miss feeling "light" instead of bloated and full.

I miss feeling good about myself. And this just might be my biggest motivator right now. After years of feeling embarassed about my body, I was finally starting to feel good about it, even a little proud. And that is disapearing :(

So tomorrow I will be back at it. And there will be more excuses and going off track just because I'm going out of town. That's been one of my big problems the last month and a half because I've going away every couple weeks. I still have two more weekends away planned in the near future but that doesn't mean WW will go out the window. I just can't let it.

WI #25 - Owning up and moving on

Wow.. it's been two weeks since I've posted. And just like 99.9% of other people who stop posting for a while, it's because I've been off track and just busy in general. It's been easier to just avoid checking in here and then actually pick myself up and continue on my journey. But today I'm here and I'm going to update all my numbers, as much as it may hurt. But being honest with myself and just putting it all up here is going to be a huge motivator, I'm sure.

Today I weighed in at 224.8lbs. I think that's up nearly 4lbs since I last weighed in 2 weeks ago, and up about 6 or so lbs since my lowest weight a few weeks before that. Ouch.

I have done okay with the exercise the last week or so, getting 3 solid workouts last week but the eating... it's been WAY WAY out of control. I ate because I was bored, because there was bad foods in the house, because I was hot, because I was in the kitchen, because the kids didn't finish, because it was my dad's birthday.... all of those horrible reasons and excuses to over eat, I used them. And it makes me sad because I've been working so hard the past 6 months and I thought that I had managed to retrain myself (or at least partially) in the way I deal with food, but evidently not so much. I've managed to leave a month weighing more than I came into it with. I've also managed to make achieving my goals of losing 50lbs by the 15th of July (my bday) and losing my 2nd 10% by the end of July very very difficult, if not totally unobtainable. Which really sucks.

I was supposed to do my measurements last Monday but did them today instead. Thank goodness they at least remained steady!!

4 weeks ago:
223.2 lbs
39" waist
45" hips
43"bust

Today:
224.8 lbs
39" waist
45" hips
43" bust

Total difference this month: 0" and +1.6 lbs
Total difference since start: 22" and 38.8 lbs

Enough with this beating up on myself though. I may have been a bust in the weight loss department this month, but I worked on a few other goals this month that are just as important.

1- I was accepted into SAIT, I've completed my registration, paid my deposit, applied for funding, and received over $2,000 in bursaries and grants.

2- I have taken necessary steps to get my divorce started. July should see a bunch more progress in this area.

Plus I've been able to spend quite a bit of time with M, which makes me very happy. My kids are in love with him and I'm pretty sure my mom is too. I've had to reign her in a little bit because she's practically ready to start planning a wedding LOL. Right now emotionally, I feel happier and more content than I've felt in a long time.

So it's not been all bad! July is a new month and even though I go on vacation to Fernie for a week, starting next Monday, I'm determined that this will be a great month for weight loss. I'm going to spend some time thinking about my goals for the next few months and post those tomorrow.

Anyways, I'm back!

A little bummed..

Today has been a little crappy. I had been hoping to enter into a dental assisting program in August but just found out the program is completely full with a mile long waiting list. The student advisor said I should still apply and get on the list and I may get in during the February intake. So why didn't I find this out earlier? The course calendar said that registration for the program didn't begin until three months prior to the program start date (which has not yet passed). The program is already full because these are the people that have been on the waitlist for last February's intake. OMG!!!! So... I'm feeling very discouraged. I'm so sick of waiting... I just want to get on with life!

Oh, and my 83 year old Grandma got into a car accident last night. Nothing serious (thank god!!) but it was her fault and now dealing with all of that is pretty stressful. In all honesty, she probably shouldn't be driving anyways...

So.. food-wise I didn't do so hot. Too much snacky type stuff, not enough healthy meal type stuff. But tomorrow is a new day.. I'll start it out with a workout at the Y, get my pedicure and make sure I eat better.

I think it's back..

Don't want to jinx myself or anything but both yesterday and today I am feeling great! It really was just an "all of a sudden" thing, which leads me to believe that my lack of mojo was related to hormones. But it's strange because I still haven't gotten TOM (and no, it's completely impossible for me to be pregnant!!!). It seems as though my cycles are getting more and more irregular because I could swear that I should have had it by now. Which leads me to my first goal: keep track of monthly cycle.

So yes... it is May! I wanted badly to post yesterday but ran out of time. The good news is that I got my horrendous work project finished and submitted it.... at 12:36 am last night! If it's at all possible this month, I'm going to try not to take on too many contracts. I need to catch up on some other things this month like registering for school, finding out about financial assistance, seeing a lawyer... etc. Oh, and I'm going to visit my man in a little less than 3 weeks from now! YAY!

There are several goals that I will fail to meet this month if I do not stay on track... thus I have officially decided that the key word for the month of may is MOTIVATION. I am going to put effort into finding new things to motivate myself and I am going to stay motivated all month long. There, I wrote it down. That means it must come to pass (haha! if only it were that simple).

Now on to those goals...
1- At the beginning of April I set the goal of losing 10 lbs by Mother's Day. Right now I am at 7/10.
2- Run 5K on Mother's Day without stopping.
3- Lose 5 lbs by May 21 (that's the day I'm going to see M)
4- Lose 8 lbs by June 2. That's one month from today and that's on an offical WI day.
5- Get 1200 minutes of cardio this month.
6- Run 3 times a week.

There we go. It's all out there for everyone to see... now it's time to get my butt in action!

(Sidenote: Thank you to those who commented the last few days..I don't think I would have re-found my motivation without your help!!!)

Trying to find my motivation

I'm feeling a little better today compard to yesterday. Yesterday was just... bad. But talking to my man last night really helped (he's so great!). He told me not to be so hard on myself and to just take a little break if that's what I feel like I need to do, try and get in some extra naps and just relax a little bit. I need to listen to my body... and today I did just that.

T and I had some one on one mommy/daughter planned this morning and we snuggled on the couch together and watched Alice in Wonderland. I fell asleep about 15 minutes into it for a good hour or so. Then she'd be asking to go to Swiss Chalet for a few weeks now so I took her there for lunch. They have some great healthy choices there, one of which I ordered... but I did eat a few of her french fries and a couple bites of her sundae. I took her to school and did an hour or so of work and then had another glorious nap. It felt so good to just lay in my bed! The kids are both in bed already and I think that even though I have a bunch of work to do, I will go to bed early and get in a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and the work will still be here.

As far as my motivation... well, it's still not back 100%. Cammy commented that I need a JOLT to get me going again, and that is probably very true. I've accomplished the feat of running the (what I thought) illusive 5K.. and now the high is gone. How sad is that? I was reading back through some of my older blog entries and I was just oozing motivation and drive. I really hope I can get it back. So anyhow, how do I JOLT myself? And please, don't just tell me to take a new aerobics class or something because that's really not my thing.

Here's what I did today to try and start the JOLT process:

- Cleaned out my closet. I took out everything that is now too big. I have a large laundry basket stacked high and overflowing and it feels great! Now to figure out what to do with it all... if anyone is in need of some transition clothes in 18/20/22, seriously let me know!
- Bought two new tops, both in size 1X!! I've never bought that size... ever!
- Downloaded a bunch of new tunes to liven up my stale playlist

Here are some ideas I've been playing with to continue the process:

- Make some appointments with a trainer.. maybe once a week?
- Considering switching to Core
- Considering doing some sort of a cleanse
- ??????

This is where I need the help of ya'll :) Any ideas for me?