Gross

I'm sitting here tonight feeling incredibly pathetic. I just feel sluggish and .. just gross. My last round of motivation lasted less than a week, and though I wasn't THAT bad on vacation, since coming home last Tuesday, I've been even less stellar. Blame it on my birthday that included celebrations spread out over 3 days. Blame it on just about anything but there's no excuse that will take away the weight I've put back on. I don't know exact numbers yet as I've been too scared to face the scale. I'm saving that task for tomorrow morning.

I miss seeing losses every week.

I miss feeling "light" instead of bloated and full.

I miss feeling good about myself. And this just might be my biggest motivator right now. After years of feeling embarassed about my body, I was finally starting to feel good about it, even a little proud. And that is disapearing :(

So tomorrow I will be back at it. And there will be more excuses and going off track just because I'm going out of town. That's been one of my big problems the last month and a half because I've going away every couple weeks. I still have two more weekends away planned in the near future but that doesn't mean WW will go out the window. I just can't let it.

WI #25 - Owning up and moving on

Wow.. it's been two weeks since I've posted. And just like 99.9% of other people who stop posting for a while, it's because I've been off track and just busy in general. It's been easier to just avoid checking in here and then actually pick myself up and continue on my journey. But today I'm here and I'm going to update all my numbers, as much as it may hurt. But being honest with myself and just putting it all up here is going to be a huge motivator, I'm sure.

Today I weighed in at 224.8lbs. I think that's up nearly 4lbs since I last weighed in 2 weeks ago, and up about 6 or so lbs since my lowest weight a few weeks before that. Ouch.

I have done okay with the exercise the last week or so, getting 3 solid workouts last week but the eating... it's been WAY WAY out of control. I ate because I was bored, because there was bad foods in the house, because I was hot, because I was in the kitchen, because the kids didn't finish, because it was my dad's birthday.... all of those horrible reasons and excuses to over eat, I used them. And it makes me sad because I've been working so hard the past 6 months and I thought that I had managed to retrain myself (or at least partially) in the way I deal with food, but evidently not so much. I've managed to leave a month weighing more than I came into it with. I've also managed to make achieving my goals of losing 50lbs by the 15th of July (my bday) and losing my 2nd 10% by the end of July very very difficult, if not totally unobtainable. Which really sucks.

I was supposed to do my measurements last Monday but did them today instead. Thank goodness they at least remained steady!!

4 weeks ago:
223.2 lbs
39" waist
45" hips
43"bust

Today:
224.8 lbs
39" waist
45" hips
43" bust

Total difference this month: 0" and +1.6 lbs
Total difference since start: 22" and 38.8 lbs

Enough with this beating up on myself though. I may have been a bust in the weight loss department this month, but I worked on a few other goals this month that are just as important.

1- I was accepted into SAIT, I've completed my registration, paid my deposit, applied for funding, and received over $2,000 in bursaries and grants.

2- I have taken necessary steps to get my divorce started. July should see a bunch more progress in this area.

Plus I've been able to spend quite a bit of time with M, which makes me very happy. My kids are in love with him and I'm pretty sure my mom is too. I've had to reign her in a little bit because she's practically ready to start planning a wedding LOL. Right now emotionally, I feel happier and more content than I've felt in a long time.

So it's not been all bad! July is a new month and even though I go on vacation to Fernie for a week, starting next Monday, I'm determined that this will be a great month for weight loss. I'm going to spend some time thinking about my goals for the next few months and post those tomorrow.

Anyways, I'm back!

A little bummed..

Today has been a little crappy. I had been hoping to enter into a dental assisting program in August but just found out the program is completely full with a mile long waiting list. The student advisor said I should still apply and get on the list and I may get in during the February intake. So why didn't I find this out earlier? The course calendar said that registration for the program didn't begin until three months prior to the program start date (which has not yet passed). The program is already full because these are the people that have been on the waitlist for last February's intake. OMG!!!! So... I'm feeling very discouraged. I'm so sick of waiting... I just want to get on with life!

Oh, and my 83 year old Grandma got into a car accident last night. Nothing serious (thank god!!) but it was her fault and now dealing with all of that is pretty stressful. In all honesty, she probably shouldn't be driving anyways...

So.. food-wise I didn't do so hot. Too much snacky type stuff, not enough healthy meal type stuff. But tomorrow is a new day.. I'll start it out with a workout at the Y, get my pedicure and make sure I eat better.

Rebellion

For whatever reason, I feel a little rebellious today. I've been working hard all week both diet and exercise-wise and this morning when I weighed myself, I was the same as I was on Monday. WTH? Okay, the logical part of my brain knows this is silly - it's only been two days afterall. And this is not my usual pattern, especially if I have been eating well, which I have. Actually, I didn't even eat all of my points the last two days.... maybe that is the problem? So we had a lot of running around to do.. the kids check ups at the Drs... picking up our Easter portraits... getting T ready for school and swimming... so, we ate lunch at the mall. This mall doesn't have a Subway, so I gave in and ate a gyro from my favourite greek place (Opa! for all you locals). I was okay with that... figured I'd eat a light dinner and everything would be fine. But by dinner time, I was exhausted and not in the mood to cook. And of course the family wasn't either.. dad brought in Chinese and my brother ordered pizza! Thanks alot guys. So for dinner I ate two dumplings and a few pieces of ginger beef and half a slice on pizza. I can already feel my stomach complaining. Yuck. But whatever... it's one day and I really didn't overdo it. But I can't help but think that if the scale would have shown a loss this morning that I would have made better choices. Now how does that make any sense?? All I can say now is bring on the water!!!

Weekend Schmeekend

Well, I've pretty much sucked this weekend. Didn't count pounts, didn't get to work out (I tried yesterday but baby K wouldn't stop crying in babysitting at the Y so they came and got me after 10 min.), ate a few too many easter cookies and a bunch of pasta tonight. Oh, and a slice of Grandma's famous lemon merigue pie this afternoon. Ugh. So now tonight I feel gross. My stomach actually hurts. I wonder if it's truly from the bad food though or if it is more of a mental thing? It doesn't really matter... all I know is that I'm thrilled that tomorrow is Monday and first thing in the morning I'll be sweating it out at the Y and back on track with eating.

The unfortunate thing is that weigh in is also tomorrow... and it's also the day I had as my goal to reach my 10%. Since I'm 99.9% sure that isn't going to happen and I'm mentally preparing myself for a gain, my thoughts have turned to WHY I chose to go off program and to eat like this this weekend. Because yes, it was a choice. Sometime Friday afternoon my thoughts sort of went like this: "I'm so close to losing 25 pounds... hmmm that's pretty good. I've done so well, and I'm sick of Subway, I deserve to have Greek tonight." And then on Saturday it was more like "I ate a decent breakfast and lunch... Dad's making bbq'd hamburgers... it would be so much easier just to eat that than make something else...". Today was more like "I've been screwing up all weekend, I might as well enjoy... Yes, pass me some of that lemon meringue pie!" Blah, well, you get the picture.

I'm also wondering if even just a tiny part of me is battling the ol' self saboutaging attitude. After all, 24 lbs is good, right? I might as well slow down and take my time with this weight loss, right?

NONONONONO! 24 pounds is good, but it's not GOOD ENOUGH. I'm not settling. I'm going all the way baby!

Quick check in

Ugh... so busy this week. I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with everyone's blogs lately and that I haven't posted much. Life should slow down by next week!

As far as eating goes, I'm doing pretty good and staying on track but haven't counted points completely. I took the kids to Swiss Chalet last night and made a healthy choice (grilled chicken breast with veggies and a little rice) but today for lunch I grabbed Quiznos, thinking they would have low fat options and trust me, after looking up the points for what I had, I won't be going back there anytime soon. I had a sandwich with ham and turkey, swiss and some sauce (thought it sounded light) and I think it was about 15 points!!! AHHHHH! I don't know for sure though because I requested it without the bacon and can't find the NI for that on their website. In any case, umm yah, I'll stick with Subway and Mr. Sub.

Oh - I also bought some pilates dvd's today when I was on a quick birthday present run for a party T got invited to tomorrow. It is a box set of 2 Stott's Pilates dvds plus a waterbottle and I got it for $5 so I figured why not! I've never done pilates before but have heard many good things... anyone done these dvds before? Will I be sore? LOL I bet I will... hoping to try them out tomorrow so I'll let ya know.

Anyways, I'm off to bed... another busy day tomorrow and yes, I work again too. Fun times!

It all started with the chocolates

Stupid stupid Valentines chocolates. My mom really should have known better than to give me some. She was trying to be sweet though... and it was only one of those tiny boxes of Lindt with three chocolates in it. I put them up on top of the fridge... 5 minutes passed.... I ate one.... another few minutes.... I had another.... as soon as I was done chewing, I went and had the last one. Ashamed of myself and what I'd just consumed, I chewed so quickly that I barely tasted it. Then, as I was contemplating what to make for dinner, the chocolate euphoria took over and before I knew what I had done, I'd picked up the phone and ordered from Mr. Greeks - a gyro, with fries and extra taziki sauce. I ate it all.... every last crumb. I DESERVE it, I rationalized. It will be my splurge of the week. I promise I'll stay on track for the rest of the week, I kept telling myself. And now, as I sit here feeling gross, overstuffed and completely disgusted with myself, I wonder what it is exactly that I deserved? Why have I gotten accustomed to using food as a way to reward myself? And why would I want to eat such an unhealthy meal that would saboutage the hard work that I've done? Why would I want to fill myself so full that I sit here feeling ill? And how do I manage to trick myself into believing that eating a meal like that will somehow make me feel better/happy/content?