Thursday, February 14, 2008

It all started with the chocolates

Stupid stupid Valentines chocolates. My mom really should have known better than to give me some. She was trying to be sweet though... and it was only one of those tiny boxes of Lindt with three chocolates in it. I put them up on top of the fridge... 5 minutes passed.... I ate one.... another few minutes.... I had another.... as soon as I was done chewing, I went and had the last one. Ashamed of myself and what I'd just consumed, I chewed so quickly that I barely tasted it. Then, as I was contemplating what to make for dinner, the chocolate euphoria took over and before I knew what I had done, I'd picked up the phone and ordered from Mr. Greeks - a gyro, with fries and extra taziki sauce. I ate it all.... every last crumb. I DESERVE it, I rationalized. It will be my splurge of the week. I promise I'll stay on track for the rest of the week, I kept telling myself. And now, as I sit here feeling gross, overstuffed and completely disgusted with myself, I wonder what it is exactly that I deserved? Why have I gotten accustomed to using food as a way to reward myself? And why would I want to eat such an unhealthy meal that would saboutage the hard work that I've done? Why would I want to fill myself so full that I sit here feeling ill? And how do I manage to trick myself into believing that eating a meal like that will somehow make me feel better/happy/content?


Hanlie said...

Those are good questions! No use in beating yourself up. Rather ask the questions and ponder the answers. Then the whole experience becomes valuable in bigger scheme of things!

Well done!

Skinny Inside said...

I struggle with those same questions. I know everyone is different, but for me, I think I'm trying to fill some emotional need that hasn't been filled.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off! {{{hugs}}}

Selma said...

It's good you've realized that it was all a Mistake with a capital M. I think that is half the battle as really feeling the mistake so you won't do it again. However, the part where you feel shame about it, is not helpful. (I know you didn't name shame, but I just know the exact shameful feeling.) Feel the Mistake, but do not feel shame because shame just keeps us down.

Cammy said...

I wish I had answers for you, Holly, but I don't. It does seem to me that the trigger was the fact that you hid your lovely chocolate-y gift away to begin with. Why should you feel shame for enjoying a sweet treat from someone who loves you? (And pats on the back to mom for honoring you by choosing the teensy box! A Lindt truffle has only around 80 calories in it, so three of them isn't a dietary fatality!) If you don't mind a suggestion...the next time you have a sweet treat temptation, set it out on the table in full view so that you can admire it while you eat your healthy meal first, letting your anticipation build while your appetite is being somewhat appeased. It might help avoid the spiraling effect.

No matter what, it's over. As someone brilliant said in a blog comment the other day, "Count it as a vegetable and move on." :)

Grumpy Chair said...

I too am going through the "just this once" thing that is just causing a huge weight gain.

It is emotional eating. How where you feeling at the time that you ordered the food?

We eat to try to numb our feelings.

HappyBlogChick said...

Hey, you can't change what you've already done, so don't beat yourself up about it. Now is the time to figure out what went wrong so it can be prevented in the future. Life is going to throw candy at you every so often ... so how do you handle it in the future?

I don't have the answer for you, because I think it's different for everyone. For me, when I'm tempted by candy I count the points/calories. Sometimes it's totally worth the splurge! Then I don't feel guilty and don't keep going. When it's not worth the splurge, I find a way to have a little ... maybe have 1 and freeze the rest or send them to work with hubby (yes, I'm that person).

The good news is that one high calorie meal isn't going to ruin all the progress you've made. Keep making better choices, and you'll still see results. *Maybe* not this week, but if you make good choices the rest of the week you may very well be surprised.

Heather said...

ah yes, I remember those feelings of guilt. but if you enjoyed it and got right back on track, exactly what are you feeling guilty about? this isnt ruining yoru weight loss efforts, you havent failed, this doesnt mean its over for you. you ate a few things you shouldnt have, but its ok. exercise, drink more water than normal, and stay on plan, and you will be fine. at least enjoy what you are doing and be ok with your choice if you are going to order food.

Pattie said...

Sweetie, be gentle with yourself. These life-long habits we have of using food to comfort ourselves are SO hard to change.

But we can change them, as long as we don't give up. Allow yourself to learn from what happened so the next time you're faced with a similar situation (and there WILL be a next time) you can make a different choice.

Baby steps!