Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A whole bunch of self-realization...

The last two days have been sort of weird for me food-wise. I haven't felt hungry. I haven't felt the need to snack. I haven't felt the urge to rip apart the kitchen looking for something sweet. I've had to struggle to eat all of my points, or at least not have a huge amount leftover. This is so completely opposite to how I was feeling last week that I am wondering what the heck is wrong with me!

But it's making me think of how they say that it takes 3 weeks to make a habit... well, in more than three weeks I haven't had a chocolate bar. I Haven't had any desserts other than the weekend of my daughter's birthday last month. I haven't had anything deep fried. I haven't had any fast food (except my little Burger King slip up 2 weeks ago and all I ordered was a grilled chicken sandwich OOOOOH BAAAAD). And you know what, I don't want any of that stuff. And it makes me feel incredibly strong, powerful and determined to feel that way.

Now I'm not a complete dreamer. I realize that it's not like I'm never going to want or NEED some chocolate. But it would appear as though the bad habits that I had of eating those types of things on a regular basis seem to be broken. And yeah... well, that feels powerful. It feels like I have control over the food instead of me being controlled by the food. At some points in my life, I thought that would be impossible.

Here's another thing I've noticed. When I'm eating badly and not exercising, I feel really badly about myself. I'm embarassed of my body. I avoid mirrors. I don't even try dressing up because I feel like I'll look like crap in everything anyways. My self talk is very negative. But since I've had a little success in this journey and know that I'm making better choices and taking positive steps in my life, I feel amazing! I'm always trying to look my best, I'm making eye contact when I talk with people, I'm smiling more, I'm walking with confidence... I feel beautiful. And outwardly, I'm sure I don't look that much different because at my weight, 13ish lbs isn't really that noticeable. But that part doesn't even matter. My self esteem is getting better! And I realize now that all it took was making some good choices and feeling a sense of accomplishment, feeling proud of me! And it's been oooooh so verrrrry long since I've been able to feel proud of myself.

The last 10 or so years of my life, I've been through a lot. A lot of people would say that I had so much promise, then threw it all away for a guy. I compromised my whole self, all of my values and everything that I had held as important. Like all bad decisions, you have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, there are a lot of difficult consequences to throwing away your education to get married at the age of 20 to a much older, yet extremely immature, alcoholic, drug-addicted man who cannot hold a job. And having two of his children. Don't get me wrong - I don't regret any of it for a milisecond. My girls are my world and I've learned so much and I am blessed with a very supportive family. But what I'm trying to get at is that making bad choices and compromising yourself and living in an abusive place can leave you feeling like a pile of crap. You blame yourself for your situation but don't know what to do about it. You feel ashamed and embarassed. You feel like you have no value and everything is your fault. And my point is that I don't feel like that anymore!!!! This has not happened overnight. I have made many positive steps in the last year and half since my separation. But up until the last few weeks, I still felt embarassed about myself because of my weight. And now that's starting to go too. I just can't imagine how great I'm going to feel when (NOT if) I reach my weight goal if I feel this good already. I think I will want to shout from the roof tops! It will be such a freedom.

You now know that I can really ramble. Sorry about that. I'll get to something more food related now. One point muffins!!! I've had a container of nonfat plain yogurt in my fridge for a while now so I've been looking for a way to use it up. I came across a recipe from the Beantown Baker and adapted it a little bit to suit the ingredients that I had. Here's what I came up with:

One Point Berry Muffins

1/2 cup nonfat plain yogurt
3 tbsp applesauce
2 egg whites
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup splenda
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup mixed frozen berries

Combine dry ingredients and wet ingredients in separate bowls, then mix together. Add the frozen berries last and stir gently. Bake at 400 degrees for 15-17 minutes or until the top springs back when lightly touched. Makes 12 muffins.

They are really good! I was really impressed because there is basically no fat or oil of any kind in the recipe. I've never made any like this before. The dough is weird though... it's actually doughy, not kind of pourable like other recipes I've made. Don't worry - they are supposed to be like that.


Hanlie said...

Ah, I can so relate. I too rebelled at a young age and made a serious of progressively worsening decisions to the point where I married a much older, yet very immature alcoholic who could never hold down a job. And I gained over a hundred pounds in my first year with him. Four years later, obese, financially devastated and a victim of domestic violence, I emerged from that marriage with absolutely NO self-esteem. It's taken a long time, but I've forgiven myself for my bad decisions, I've forgiven my ex (with whom I severed all ties when I left) for not being the man I wanted him to be and I have grown into someone I really like. I have found a new respect for myself, built a life and a career, met the most wonderful man in the world and remarried. And now, after also having dealt with the issues that sent me on my self-destructive path, I can tackle this journey towards health and a more realistic weight. I can embrace life again! It was hard work and often painful, but it was worth it.

Good luck! You can get YOU back!

Pattie said...

You HAVE been through a lot in life. And look how much you've learned!

I am so proud of you for working to regain your self-respect. I bet you're teaching your daughters an awesome lesson about the power of taking care of your health, and in being kind to yourself.

Way to go!

HappyBlogChick said...

When I was in a bad relationship over a decade ago (!!suddenly I feel old!!), I too gained weight. And my situation doesn't even sound as bad as yours. I think sometimes we cope the best we can with what we have ... and we had food. Now we know there are better ways, right? Life is all about learning.

Anyway, I am so happy to hear you talk about how powerful you feel. You are clearly in control, and that's AWESOME!

Congrats on your progress, your success, and on your newfound confidence.

Heather said...

you just reiterated the point that I make to a lot of people...if you can stay away from processed foods and sweets, you really dont want them anymore. since you hae avoided them, its great that you dont crave them as much and this will help you be successful.

CAP said...

Great job and way to stay focused! Thank you for sharing.

Grumpy Chair said...

Are you exercising before meals? After exercise, I am never hungry - it curbs my appetite.

I will have to try those muffins.

Carolyn said...

I wish that some people I know and love would read your blog. It's important to put youself first, and I'm glad you're doing so well! YOu're an inspiration!
Just keep it one day at a time. I know this week was okay, but last week, MY LORD I woudl have eaten EVERYTHIGN had it been in front of me. Just take everything one day on top of the other, every little success is HUGE, and ..
meh, what am I doing here but preaching to the choir? ;)

Good job!!! Keep us posted on progresses!!